cause i wished you the best (all this world could give)
by Suituuup
Summary: Beca runs into Chloe at the supermarket. Angst with a capital A, read at your own risk.


**I really don't know why I wrote this.**

**The adult OC in this is pictured in my mind as Ian Harding (Ezra from Pretty Little Liars).**

* * *

Beca hates grocery shopping.

It's a waste of time and a test her patience always ends up failing. The noise, the infuriating music, the children crying and the lines are some of the things that make her skin crawl unpleasantly.

She didn't hate it as much, ten years ago. Chloe managed to make it bearable; fun even. Beca remembers the impromptu dance sessions in the aisles when Chloe heard a song she liked, the arguments on which ice-cream to get for movie night, or the goofy marco-polo they engaged into when one of them was lost among the cacophony.

The stolen kisses and loose hand-hold as they wound through different sections of the supermarkets, the whispered _i love you's _for no reason while waiting in line to check-out.

Grocery shopping got filed away in that box of things that triggered bitter memories when they broke-up, and even though it's been years, Beca avoids it as much as she can.

She just came home from tour, however, and decided to go buy some food to cook for herself after living on take-out for the better part of the last three months spent on the road.

Beca regrets that decision the second she steps through the gigantic sliding doors, but doesn't turn around because she's too stubborn for that. She simply makes a deal with herself to be as quick as possible so she can chill on the couch in her sweatpants for the rest of the day.

She's standing in the cereal aisle, torn between fruit loops and cheerios for dinner (okay, so she might have changed her mind about cooking. Whatever.) when she feels something tug at her pants.

Looking down, she's met with a pair of cerulean eyes that are so familiar she almost chokes on her saliva. Except they belong to a girl no older than four or five and not her ex-girlfriend.

Beca blinks away the memories assaulting her mind and focuses on the situation at hand. "Yes?"

"Have you seen my momma?" the little girl asks, troubled orbs boring into Beca's. Her bottom lip is quivering, like she's on the verge of a breakdown or a tantrum, and Beca inwardly panics.

She has never been good with kids, or even liked them, for that matter, but she's not an asshole either. If one of those is lost, the least she can do is bring them to the store front desk. Abandoning her crucial cereal debate, Beca bends down to the child's level.

"No, I haven't, kid. Sorry. Do you need help finding her?"

Just as the kid nods, Beca catches a flurry of red hair behind the little girl and barely has time to register what's happening before her heart is knocked sideways when the person starts speaking.

"Maddie, what did I tell you about staying close when we go to the store?" The little girl is swept into a hug while Beca blinks, frozen in her crouched position. "You scared me, baby."

Her first instinct is to run as fast as possible, to flee from an encounter that is most likely to leave angry marks on her mind and soul.

"Sorry, Momma. The lady was going to help me find you."

Any chance of avoiding the blow she is about to get to the face vanishes when the little girl points at her. Beca swallows thickly, bracing herself for impact.

She hears the girl's mother's breathing hitch and risks sliding her eyes up to meet the ones she fell for on her third day at Barden. "Beca?"

"Hey, Chloe," They both rise to their feet at the same time, silence heavy as it spreads between the two of them. Beca jams her hands into her pockets to keep them from wringing together. "It's been a while."

Chloe's shoulders drop, her shocked expression morphing into a longing one. "It has."

"Momma, who's that?" The little girl, presumably named Maddie asks, eyes switching back and forth between Beca and Chloe. While she has Chloe's eyes, her hair is a dark brown, almost the same shade as Beca's. Beca assumes the little girl got her father or other mother's hair and her eyes unconsciously flick to Chloe's left hand, zooming in on the wedding ring on her finger.

An acid taste comes to sit on her tongue as her toes curl into the soles of her shoes. Beca inhales deeply through her nose and slowly blows it out between her clenched teeth.

"This is my friend Beca," Chloe says, and Beca tries to ignore the pinch in her chest upon being introduced as Chloe's friend. She doesn't know what she was expecting, but they are anything but friends.

Ex-lovers, ex-girlfriends, ex-almosts.

"Beca, this is Madison."

"Nice to meet you, Ms. Beca," Madison says with the utmost politeness, confidently extending her little hand towards a surprised Beca.

"Um, nice to meet you, too, Madison." She eventually replies, giving Madison's hand a light shake. Her gaze finds Chloe's again a second later. "You're a mom."

It's unnecessary to point it out, but Beca feels the need to say it out-loud when the particular subject was the reason she broke up with Chloe ten years ago. Had anyone asked her a little time before that, Beca would have laughed and assured them there was nothing that could come between she and Chloe.

Chloe was it for her, and vise-versa.

Beca had had the engagement ring in her office drawer for a few weeks and was waiting for the right moment to ask her girlfriend of four years at the time to marry her. They had talked about kids long before that, Beca voicing her clear reluctance to have any early in their relationship. Her childhood had been unstable and she doubted she would ever be a good mother.

Her job as a music producer and performing artist was bound to have her on the road most of the time, or at least incredibly busy and it would be unfair to her family, should she want one. Chloe had said that, while she loved kids, she didn't mind not having any, that Beca was her family and that was enough.

While at first doubtful and guilty about Chloe's life-changing concession, Beca eventually accepted the fact that Chloe didn't necessarily want to have kids and that she wasn't giving it up for her.

It was during a Christmas visit to the Beales', while observing Chloe meet her baby niece for the first time that Beca saw how much Chloe loved kids; how natural and comfortable she was around them and how happy she got whenever she interacted with one.

When Stacie moved to LA and Chloe offered to babysit Bella for her from time to time, the happy bubble Beca had found herself in for the last four years burst and she was painfully slapped back to reality. Each time Bella was at their place, the clearer it became; Chloe was destined to be a mom, the picture was forming right in front of Beca's eyes and she wasn't in it; or rather she didn't see herself in it.

She didn't see herself become a mother, or care for another human-being when she could barely take care of herself.

She realized she would never be enough for Chloe, no matter how many times Chloe stated otherwise.

"You want kids," Beca had said after twisting and turning the matter in her own brain for weeks, to the point where both her head and her heart hurt.

She and Chloe were cooking dinner one night, and as much as she tried to ignore the little reasoning voice inside her head, she couldn't.

"Huh?" Chloe had turned around, spatula in hand, confused at the abrupt swerve in conversation.

"You want kids." Beca repeated, louder in order to be heard, louder to destroy the bit of cowardice left in her that wanted to keep pretending like they were going to be fine. "You want to become a mother."

Chloe opened and closed her mouth wordlessly. She frowned, clearly thrown off by Beca's assumption. "I love kids, yes," she starts with a shrug. "But I love you more and I respect your decision of not wanting any. I accepted it and it's fine, Beca."

"It may be fine now, but what happens when all our friends become moms?" Beca said, eyeing Chloe's reaction carefully. "What happens when you resent me in a few years for choosing me over something you've wanted since you were a child?"

Hurt flashed into Chloe's eyes. She let her shoulders drop, hands falling to her sides. "I wouldn't do that."

"Maybe not openly, or even consciously." Beca sighed, pushing against the emotions itching to take over. Her toes curl inwards, fists clenching by her sides to try to keep it together. "I saw the way you interacted with Bella lately and you look so... _happy_. Like there's been something missing in your life and you finally have it. You... you are meant to become a mom, Chloe, it's a part of you and I don't think it's ever going to go away." She took a deep breath, gathering her courage for the next words. "And I can't hold you back from that."

"What –" Chloe's features turned defensive, her jaw snapping shut for a stretch as her eyebrow twitched in bemusement. "What are you saying, Beca?"

Beca cleared her throat, fastening her gaze on a stain on their tile floor rather than on Chloe's troubled blues. "I'm saying that you want to have kids and I don't. I'm saying that I don't think I'll ever be enough for you."

Chloe slammed the spatula down onto the counter, making them both jump and Beca's eyes snap back up. "Of course you are! How can you even think otherwise!?"

Beca ignored the rhetorical question and calmly stood her ground.

"I feel like part of you was hoping I would change my mind at some point and it _scares_ me, Chloe, because I'm not going to want kids. _Ever._"

"That's not true – "

"It's not?" Beca countered quietly. "Then tell me there wasn't a point in the future where you hoped to put the subject back on the table and maybe convince me otherwise. Tell me you have accepted the fact that you are not going to become a mother if you stay with me and tell me you are a hundred percent okay with that. Tell me that, and I'll drop it and never talk about it again."

Chloe's lingering silence had been the only proof she needed. Beca had nodded, staring into space as the invisible weight of realization heavily pressed on her shoulders.

"Beca,"

The break in Chloe's voice cracked Beca's heart in several pieces, scattering it to various places inside her chest. She attempted to ignore the blinding pain and stepped closer, crushing the distance between she and Chloe. Cupping Chloe's face gently, she tilted her head to get Chloe to look at her, as tears began to prick behind her eyes.

"How are we supposed to work out if you want a family and I don't? Neither of us should have to make that big of a sacrifice on our own dreams, that's not – that's not how a healthy, lasting relationship works."

"Are you – " Chloe shook her head faintly. "Are you saying what I think you're saying?" she continued under her breath, a sob on the edge of her throat. "Are you – do you want to break-up?"

Beca couldn't tell if the sob bouncing off the walls belonged to her, to Chloe, or both. She shook her head relentlessly, aware that her thoughts and actions were at odd with each other as her fingers traced Chloe's jaw, drifting down to curl into Chloe's sweatshirt to keep her there, within reach, when she was actually letting her go.

"I... I love you so much, you're – " Beca's breathing got trapped in her throat as a few tears toppled past the rim of her eyes. "You are my _heart_."

Chloe whimpered and inhaled shakily through her own tears, which spilled down her cheeks when she blinked.

"But?"

Beca drew in a lungful of air. "But that's not – it's not something I see us getting past. We don't want the same things, we're not... we're not compatible."

A heartbreaking fight ensued. It lasted for several days, some things that were said immediately regretted afterwards, but not Beca's ultimate decision.

Her bags were packed a week later.

She cried, and Chloe cried, and Beca almost backtracked last minute. Yet the small part of her brain insisting she was doing the right thing overpowered the overwhelming ache that seized her chest that night.

"I'm sorry, Chloe."

"So you've said," Chloe sniffled, tugging the sleeves of her over-sized hoodie -Beca's- over her hands as she stood back while Beca hovered in the doorway. "Maybe someday I'll be grateful for your rationality but right now I can't see or feel anything past the shooting pain."

They lost touch immediately after that, inquiring about each other's well-being through their respective friends but never directly. It took Beca more than two years to move one and start dating again, all the while knowing she would never get over Chloe.

"I am," Chloe says, her expression remaining unreadable as she stares at Beca.

"That's- that's-" Beca clenches her fist by her side, digging her nails into her palm, something blue seeping into her limbs. "That's good. I'm happy for you, Chlo."

The nickname doesn't go unnoticed by Chloe, who tears her gaze away from Beca. It flew out of her lips naturally, despite not uttering it for close to ten years. Memories come flooding back at an incredible pace, flashing before her eyes and leaving her dizzy with a bunch of emotions flitting through her cracked shield.

"Thank you. How, um, how have you been?"

"Momma, up," Madison cuts in before Beca can start replying. She waits, watching as Chloe bends down and lifts her daughter up to prop her against her hip. The little girl immediately snuggles close, laying her head over Chloe's shoulder and curling her hand into her shirt. Chloe brushes a kiss on her forehead and Beca's heart aches from witnessing how well motherhood and Chloe go together.

She lets her mind wander to the illusion that she could be in that picture; the mother to that little brown-haired girl with piercing blue eyes. She would teach her how to use a soundboard and play the guitar while Chloe would teach her how to dance and probably sing a capella.

The air is knocked out of Beca's lungs as the awareness that she might have wanted this hits her like a truck. The harsh realization that she may have made a mistake all these years ago, and how it is now all too late to go back.

"Beca? Are you okay?"

Beca blinks out of her daze, attempting to control the tornado of emotions starting to spin inside her chest.

"I've been good. Busy." She explains, swallowing the lump in her throat. "Just finished my tour and I have some down time, now."

"I saw that," Chloe surprises her with a fond smile. Upon registering Beca's quizzical look, she adds, "I, uh, I still follow you on Instagram and watch your interviews from time to time. Your album is amazing, Bec."

Beca inhales shakily at her own nickname. She shuffles on her feet awkwardly, breaking eye-contact when she feels she might crumble if she keeps staring at Chloe. "Thanks."

"I'm happy you've reached your dream, you deserve it."

Beca's heart squeezes so hard in her chest she is afraid she might faint. She doesn't know what to reply to that, but a figure walking towards them prevents her from having to.

"There you are,"

"Daddy!" Madison exclaims, sleepiness apparently forgotten.

"You scared us, sweetie." The man, a brunette with gentle, kind features says, wrapping an arm around Chloe as he kisses his daughter's forehead. Meanwhile, Chloe has yet to tear her eyes from Beca and Beca to wrench hers from the man by Chloe's side.

"Matt, this is Beca, my friend from college," Chloe introduces in a strained tone. Beca's eyes jump back to hers. "Beca, this is Matthew, my husband."

Even though she was expecting it, Beca still feels the bucket of ice water tipping over her head upon hearing Chloe say it.

Her husband. Her baby daddy. The man who has everything Beca has wanted, almost.

That almost being the reason she let go of the love of her life, believing she was doing the right thing.

Uncalled-for jealousy trickles down her veins.

"Pleasure to meet you," Matthew says with a genuine smile that tells Beca he doesn't know about her history with his wife. Beca half-heartedly mumbles the greeting back, accepting the hand-shake simply because she can't be rude. "I'll let you two catch up."

He takes Madison from Chloe's arms, saying something about how the doctor said she should avoid any strain, and bids a confused Beca goodbye.

"Are you sick?" she asks Chloe the second they are left alone, standing in the same cereal aisle she told Chloe she loved her for the first time.

She didn't remember it until now. The apartment they shared as friends, then girlfriends was just around the corner, and they had come one morning, early in their newfound relationship, still slightly hungover from the night before.

Their fridge was empty so they went to the store to get some food, still clad in their pajamas, and Chloe had broken into a dance-session to _No Diggity_. The words had been out of Beca's mouth before she could get a hold of them and Chloe had frozen mid-move, staring at her with wide eyes and an equally wide, beaming smile.

Beca now remembers how happy she had felt that day.

"No," Chloe's answer cuts through the paralyzing nostalgia seeping to every corner of Beca's body. "I'm expecting, actually."

"Oh," Beca lets out dumbly, midnight blue orbs falling to Chloe's hand which is now resting on her still flat stomach.

"It's, uh, I had a miscarriage a few months ago so the doctor said I should be careful. Matt wants me to be extra-careful and barely lets me lift anything, as you witnessed just now."

She finishes with an embarrassed laugh that makes Beca blink away from her stomach. "That's..." she smiles as best as she can, attempting to ignore the vice tightening around her heart. "Congratulations, Chloe. You have a beautiful family."

"Thank you." Chloe says with a real smile this time. She nibbles on her bottom lip, hesitating for a beat before resuming, "You were right about what you said when you..."

Chloe pauses and inhales shakily. "When we broke up. That this motherhood thing... it was always a part of me. I'm sorry for resenting you for your selflessness. You were right and I... I said some terrible things because I didn't understand at the time."

"You, um, you don't have to apologize for anything, I'm, uh, I'm glad you got what you were looking for in the end."

"It took me a while to move on, Beca," Chloe says quietly, fiddling with the strap of her purse. "I-I would hate for you to believe I found someone else right away and forgot about you overnight. You were my first love and I... I will never forget you."

Beca grinds her teeth until it hurts to keep from crying.

"I'm really glad to have ran into you, Beca. I've... I've missed you."

The words shouldn't sting as much as they do. "I've missed you, too."

"Would you, um, would you like to get a coffee sometime and catch up?" Chloe's offer makes Beca recoil internally. Her heart screams yes while her brain stomps on it to muffle its stupid naivety.

"I don't..." she sighs, reaching out to tuck her hair behind her ears. "I don't think that's a good idea, Chloe."

She chances a look at Chloe. The sadness in her eyes is still as heartbreaking and unbearable as when they were together and Chloe would get upset over big and small things.

"I'm sorry."

"No, _I'm_ sorry," Chloe rushes out, shaking her head. "I shouldn't have – it's wasn't fair of me. I just thought... after all these years that maybe we could be friends."

"I... I don't know how to be _just_ friends with you, Chloe. Not - not anymore. I wish I could but that would be more painful in the end, because whatever we manage to build back up will never be enough for me."

"Oh." Chloe nods, eyes fleeting to nothing and everything while she processes her thoughts, before settling back on Beca. "I'm sorry. Again. It was nice to see you, Beca. You look well."

"Thanks. It was nice seeing you, too," Beca replies honestly. She's glad that Chloe got the family she has always wanted. She has no right to be jealous over Chloe doing this life thing with someone else, when that someone else wants things that Beca didn't think she would ever want until faced with that very fantasy. The fact that Chloe seems happy is the one thing Beca wants to remember of this encounter. "You look very happy."

"I am," Chloe confirms softly, blue eyes as soft and gentle as the day Beca first tripped upon them across campus during the activities fair. Clearing her throat, Chloe then shrugs. "As happy as I can be without you in my life."

Beca stops breathing altogether, her lungs reduced to dust as Chloe's words rattle in her chest. Chloe reaches out to squeeze her upper-arm before Beca can even manage to string words together.

"Goodbye, Beca."

As Chloe's footsteps grow fainter down the aisle, Beca gives in to the emotions that have been tearing at her chest and screaming to get out when she first realized that little girl was Chloe's daughter.

A sob barrels down her throat before she can stop it and her shoulders shake silently as she gives in to the should-haves and what-ifs evilly cackling inside her head.

She's crumbling under the weight of her own regrets, and there's nobody she can blame for her bleeding heartache but herself.


End file.
